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Why Your Team Sucks 2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

With one week and one embarrassing loss in the books, it seems about right that college football fans already have to listen to some Texas coaches squirm and blame-shift.

Some people are fans of the Tampa Bay Bucs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tampa Bay Bucs. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Tampa Bay Bucs. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 9- 7. In those seven losses, the Bucs gave up nearly five touchdowns a game.

Derek Carr hung 5. Watch Bad Hurt Online Facebook more. Raiders committed 2.

The Rams hung 3. 7 on them somehow. This is a rough estimate, but 9. Tavon Austin’s total receiving yards last year came against the Bucs. But please keep telling me that this is an up- and- coming defense. This team still starts Chris Conte. During real games, no less!

Your coach: Dirk Koetter. Well, I am sure there are plenty of people that think my playcalling stinks… But I’ve been doing it for 3. I don’t think I’m going to forget how.” Well actually, Dirk, in your NFL career your teams have had a winning percentage below .

So it’s not that you’ve forgotten how to call plays, but rather the fact that you never learned how to call them to begin with. By the way, the Bucs were this season’s designated Hard Knocks victim. Let’s see what kind of EXCLUSIVE ACCESS we’ve been given into Koetter and his coaching methods.

Christ. Honestly, it’s like they just draw slogans out of a hat every year. Your quarterback: Congratulations, Jameis Winston! Your sexual battery case was finally dismissed after reaching an undisclosed settlement with your accuser! Finally, you can put this whole ordeal behind you.

What a hardship it must have been. For YOU. Now Jameis is free to be a “leader” who “absorbs the playbook like a sponge” and “routinely commits turnovers that belong in silent comedies”: Every time I gotta read some horseshit about Jameis’s uncommon maturity and growth as a passer, it’s like people completely forget that, at least once a game, he will take the snap and proceed to re- enact every Nordberg scene from The Naked Gun. By the way, Jameis has been the showcase star of this season’s Hard Knocks. Here he is killing a cockroach while it’s mating: Technically, that’s ALSO sexual assault. And here he is acting like Taylor Swift in the front row of an award show: I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that Jameis Winston may not be the most genuine (or mature) fellow in the world. Fresh off beating the rap, he had the balls to lecture a group of schoolgirls about being silent, polite, and gentle. Fuck his phony ass with a pirate flag.

Thankfully, the Bucs imported a MENTOR to help him become 5. That’s right. It’s Harvard Man, in the flesh! I could be dead in the ground 5. I swear that Ryan Fitzpatrick could still be holding down an NFL roster spot for no reason whatsoever. This team now has not one, but TWO Harvard grads on the roster. I swooooon at the potential for elevated sideline discourse.

Oh, nothing coach. Just sipping some Gatorade and discussing the impact on South China Sea trade routes should a preemptive strike in North Korea take place [FARTS]” What’s new that sucks: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU CUT THE KICKER. Yes, after trading up to draft Roberto Aguayo in the second round, the Bucs had to cut him and replace him with Nick Folk…Priceless. That’s what you get for FSU- ifying half the roster. No one should ever let this team forget about the Aguayo draft bust. This was already one of the worst picks in draft history before they released the poor bastard. They should put a monument to the trade next to the stadium bathroom.

GM Jason Licht should have to walk around with a sandwich board that says I TOOK A KICKER IN THE SECOND ROUND LIKE A MORON all day long.“I’m owning up to it by releasing him. It was a bold move and it didn’t work out. I don’t know what else to say.” “Bold” isn’t the word I’d use there, amigo. Watch Electricity Online more. Elsewhere on the roster, De. Sean Jackson is here!

On paper, the arrival of Jackson and absolute stud TE OJ Howard (drafted to replace the drunk driver they originally had at that slot) make the Bucs one of the best young passing teams in football. But, as someone who has watched De. Sean Jackson over the years, I can assure you that every accidental fumble Winston makes is one that Jackson can make deliberately. Doug Martin was suspended for the first four games for Adderall, and will be suspended four more after he beats my ass for screaming MUSCLE HAMSTER at him from a nearby balcony. Mike Evans drops passes as swiftly as he drops visible Anthem protests. Jon Gruden is getting inducted into the team’s ring of honor this season, even though Bill Callahan’s playsheet should have been inducted way before him.

One of the linemen dined and dashed on a five- figure club tab. What has always sucked: Miko Grimes claimed that she deliberately got her husband cut in Miami so he could come to Tampa. You played yourself, lady.

Only an idiot would scheme to leave the glistening shores of South Beach to go to live in the middle of a Dog the Bounty Hunter fancon. She must have thought she could avoid the tax man there. I may be biased here because a jury of Tampa tattoo artists bankrupted this site’s former company, but for real, Fuck Tampa. Tampa is the Arizona of Florida. Tampa is a seething mass of divorcees and wannabe pirates deliberately living in the cheesiest possible area.

The Bucs stadium isn’t even the most popular building on its block (that honor goes to Mons Venus). There’s a reason that Jon Gruden has a completely unironic love of Hooters. That’s 1. 00 percent Tampa right there. I’m surprised they don’t blare Hoobastank from air raid signals all day long. I took my family to Tampa for Spring Break once.

Seagulls tried to eat our dinner every night and some lady brought an entire hi- fi system to the pool so she could play Bon Jovi. Tampa is the worst. It’s the only city in America aiming to REDUCE mass transit. Nazis are everywhere. Local sports teams had to give money just to get a Confederate statue taken down and it still hasn’t been taken down. A local middle school tried to sell kids a $1.

The Scientologists are the most normal people there. Fuck Tampa eternally. VIVA GAWKER, MOTHERFUCKER. What might not suck: They’re good enough on offense to score 4. Did you know? HEAR IT FROM BUCS FANS! Matthew: Robert Aguayo. Robert Aguayo. Robert Aguayo.

Anton: There is nothing worse than waiting for decades for your team to get a potentially elite QB and then have him be an alleged rapist. Who tells groups of young girls they need to shut up and let the men lead.

Alex: Fuck Josh Freeman. Joseph: In two season Jameis will be the Bucs all=time leader in passing yards, surpassing Vinny fucking Testaverde. Jeb Lund: The problem with Why Your Team Sucks is that, every year, I strive to think of something uniquely bad about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, some suck- property that grounds the team athletically and geographically in a characteristic awfulness that other people can point to and say, “I get why thisteam blows.”But I’m starting to think that’s misguided, like writing a negative review of a flat, sad Big Mac. It’s a mediocrity expected, universal and unenlightening, as dissatisfying as you want it to be, assuming you need to buy it at all. Apart from the pirate ship, Raymond James Stadium is unlovely in the way most stadiums are unlovely. It’s not exiled to some featureless exurban hinterland, but it’s not in a downtown core accessible to walking or convenient public transportation.

Urban Meyer Hits Tom Herman With The Classic Scoreboard Burn. With one week and one embarrassing loss in the books, it seems about right that college football fans already have to listen to some Texas coaches squirm and blame- shift.

Tom Herman coached his first game as the Texas head coach this weekend; it did not go well. The Longhorns let Maryland—a program that only managed to top 4. FIU, Purdue, and Howard in 2.

Austin no less. The loss continued Texas’s ongoing stretch of shitty defense and the Associated Press voters’s stretch of slapping a top- 2. After the game, Herman was asked a bevy of questions concerning the state of the program; he handled it fine for the most part, save for one now- common first- year coach response.“I told our guys, never get used to this feeling, but that if we all thought that we were going to come in here and in nine months sprinkle some fairy dust on this team and think that we’ve arrived, then we’re wrong.”The “fairy dust” refrain didn’t pick up much play earlier this week, mainly because with the increasing coaching turnover found in college football, reporters, coaches, and athletic directors have become comfortable with the idea of new coaches attempting to shift the blame for the state of their program to their predecessors. Then, when the frauds are exposed as such, they get to walk away with millions in buyout clause money, leaving behind another pit for another man to walk in and spin the same record at the postgame pressers. In Herman’s case, he nearly got away with blaming his team shitting the bed and the whole damn house on Charlie Strong—who was actually dealt a bad hand recruiting- wise when he took over—and all of Strong’s recruits that still suit up for the Longhorns. Unfortunately for Herman, the comment caught the attention of college football’s favorite ornery coach. Speaking with CBS Sports on Thursday, Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer pushed back on the player- blaming strategy, calling out Herman as well as his own Florida successor, Will Muschamp, for not owning up to the state of their programs from the start—though the case with the Gators had more to do with the fact that players Meyer recruited were well- known for their off- field issues. Meyer, who was successful from day one at Ohio State after Jim Tressel’s resignation and a year of Luke Fickell as interim coach, said coaches assume responsibility for every player on the roster the moment they sign on the dotted line.

Focusing his attention on Herman, Meyer made efficient use of his words, suggesting that should his Texas counterpart want to blame anyone for Saturday’s embarrassment, he ought to take hard looks at the scoreboard, the opponent, and the mirror.“C’mon man. I don’t know where that came from,” Meyer told CBS Sports. It’s like a new generation of excuse. Herman] said, ‘I can’t rub pixie dust on this thing.’ He got a dose of reality. Maryland just scored 5. The simplest burns always sting the most.[CBS Sports]Correction (Sept.

This post originally stated that Maryland only surpassed the 4. FIU and Howard last season, but the Terps also topped 4. Purdue, which finished 1.